For the past month or so I feel as if I have been struggling. Unsure of what I want as a career, who I am as a person. Where I want to go in life. My life. Bear with me, I haven't done a personal post in a while. I just need to get some things off my chest.
I have the the privilege to share my life with an amazing man. A man who is more than a boyfriend. But a husband and life partner. Together we have shown and lived out the wedding vows said on a wedding day. We have not said these vows. We are not married. But the life we have together is the eternal bond that happens. I would give my life for him. I will always be there for him. We've been there in sickness and in health. In good times and in bad. He is my best friend and my everything. He believes in me and I know it pains him to see me struggling right now. I know how badly he wants to help me, but just can't. I love that I can talk to him about everything, and that he listens to my every word, offering me the best advice he can give. I am so grateful for him.
I've been struggling with glucose levels that are all over the place. Getting terrible lows at work and stupid highs before breakfast. Work has been so, so. It's hard to have my hours cut and working barely 20 hours a week. I use my paychecks for bills and medicine. In a way I don't feel like I even fit in. I know it's not serious when I'm told I don't have my own personal style. I shrug it off, but it does kind of hurt me. That's why I do the "What I'm Wearing" posts. A boost for my self confidence.
Being in your 20's is hard. How 99% of my friends figured out what they want to be and where they want to go at 18 and 19 (some even younger) is beyond me. I'm 23, making just over minimum wage (what is min. wage in CA?) and working part time in retail. Five years ago when I graduated high school I never thought I'd be here. I though I'd have a career. Even though at the time I still had no clue what I wanted to do. I went from art teacher to graphic designer. To illustrator to a sound designer. I knew though I always wanted to be in the creative arts field. And I still want to be in that field.
If you know me, you know that I'm a planner. I like to know what is happening and when. Right now I don't feel like my life has a direction. Like I'm sitting at 5 point fork in the road. I don't know what way to go. It all makes me feel down about myself, sad.
I guess what I'm saying is I need guidance. Now I never talk about my religion on my blog, afraid of controversy or offending someone but this is how I feel. I know this is out of my hands and I need to give it to someone more powerful. Someone who has steered me in the right direction many times in my life. I need to trust that God will be with me through all of this. I know I'm not the best Christian out there, but I still believe and I know that He will guide me and help me figure out my purpose. To help me find the missing piece of my life.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Proverbs 3:5
I'm not sure if this will help you at all, but as you said - you're a planner - so this method might. When I'm feeling confused about something I often take a notebook or piece of paper and write...
ReplyDeleteWhat's Bothering Me
What I Want
What's Stopping Me From Doing So
How I Can Achieve What I Want.
So, let's say I take my art.
What's Bothering Me:
As much as I want to be a professional artist, I'm just not there yet. I don't feel as if my art is decent enough to sell. I don't know that much about body shapes and hands.
What I Want:
I want to be a professional artist, I want to sell my art and make a living from it. I want to be proud of my own art and enjoy it as a hobby, too.
What's Stopping Me:
I worry if it's good enough. I don't take the time to just practice. I don't really look up new techniques.
How I Can Achieve What I Want:
Practice, practice, practice. Show off my art, even if it's not my best. Look up drawings for inspiration, read how-to books, draw like crazy or take a little break and than go back to drawing. Find an artist I admire, look through their old and new art. Talk to other artists, etc. Believe in Jen, because she believes in me and loves my art.
And than I go from there. I believe EVERYTHING can have a plan.
I'm right there with you Sam. It's hard going to a job knowing that you could and should be doing other things. I know I don't know you in person, but you are one of the first bloggers I met when I started blogging and I feel like I've gotten to know you as a friend. I want to tell you to hang in there and keep on the lookout for jobs you may be interested for or qualified in. I have been doing this for a while, but with little results. It helps to keep doing things you are passionate about. For me, that is dance. Although I don't dance the same ways I used to (performing, choreographing for shows), I get to teach it to kids and it helps me stay positive. When you put it all in God's hands, it is like a burden is lifted, but it is easier said than done. I am still trying to do the same and stay positive. I know I have to make some changes soon in my career and personal life to be happier. I said a prayer for you and hope things look up soon!
ReplyDeleteP.s.-I love your style. It's dressy casual, but still chic. I love tanktops and cover ups paired with jeans/capris and i know you do too :) I hope my post helped a little! <3 Jill
Greetings from Bali Wedding. Good article, gives new knowledge for us.Thanks
ReplyDelete