There are always so many things going on inside of me. I've never really talked about what goes on though. Maybe because I've never been diagnosed or because some people would find it embarrassing. But I need to talk about it in order to help myself.
Over the past few years I've been trying and struggling with my anger and fits of rage that come over me. It is something I've dealt with my whole life and it almost seems normal to me, but it's not. I cannot count the times I've lashed out and hurt people emotionally, and I don't even know what I'm saying. I go through times of such highs, then it turns and I'm mad at everyone for no reason at all. I've never been diagnosed by a doctor, but sometimes I think I'm bipolar. Maybe it's depression or my high anxiety acting up. I don't know what it is.
When I get upset about something, it's bad. I turn inside out and throw every nasty word out at anyone near me. I black out. I have no idea what I am saying, what I am doing or how much I'm hurting the people around me. It's only until I snap out of it when I realize I've really hurt someone.
I've hurt my family, parents and sibs. I pushed my ex away because of it, probably more boys too. I've done it to friends past and present. And I do it to Frank now. All because of my fits of rage.
He has and currently is helping me combat this. He helps me open my eyes and look at myself. I don't like being like that. That is not who I really am. It's really scary. I don't want to be like my father when I'm older. I don't want to push Frank away for good or have my kids be afraid of me. It's something that's not easy for me to just get over. It's not something that is easy for me to admit to.
I want to be able to look at myself when I feel this frustration creep up on me, and just be able to count to ten and talk it over instead of screaming. I know I have it in me to do this. It's not who I am. I really am a happy, loving person (unless you get on my bad side hehe.)
Sorry for going on that like that. It's not a very upbeat post. I just needed to get out.
Tomorrow I plan to post pictures of my new bike! It's so pretty!
I think a blog is a good place to get it out. It's good you can at least recognize you do have a problem, that way you can work on fixing it. I'm not like that, but I do have a hard to define rage point myself. I'll be fine then all of a sudden they've hit it and I'm like &@!$# and a total bitch. I'm working on it but thankfully it's not a common thing and even when it does go off i'm more likely to snap, cuss, want to throw something but not do it, and want to storm off. My kids don't need to see that, so I try really hard to skip to the leave the room part. I know it's not the same, but I guess I'm trying to say I can relate a little.
ReplyDeletegood luck, it's good you have someone who will work with you.
You should try talking to someone if you can. My dad has depression and didn't get help for years and it ended up really hurting our family. I'm here if u want to talk!
ReplyDelete